Weathering Life

I took a walk today.

A friend and I decided that we needed an adventure and a bit of exercise. Stepping away from the bustling coffee shop, we donned our cameras and set out for the unknown.

After several good shots and great conversation, we came upon a bench.  It sat alone and forgotten, tucked back in the trees. Camouflaged from the busy street. From life.

Walking closer to it, I felt myself blending in. Hidden away in its private sanctuary.


We snapped a few pictures and trekked back to our cars. Done with the outdoors and ready to start our daily routines.  Well, not really ready to.....but more out of obligation.

This is  life as we know it.


Later that day, I download my pictures.  I scrolled through and stopped when the bench came into view. It's beauty stunned me. It's imperfections held grace. I was jealous of its ability to weather the elements and still stand strong.

Why couldn't I weather life the same way?

Each morning, I stare at the creases and lines that have carved their way onto my body. A body that I don't recognize anymore.

My rear view mirror reflects dark brown, tired eyes. I see the years I have lived etched into a face of someone I have lost track of.

Aging sucks.

 I find it humorous that a simple, wooden bench could make me reflect on my body image. How can I compare the markings made from carrying my children, the weight from that extra donut, or the grey tinsel I have on my head to the stoic object on the side of the road?

It's an object. I am a person living life at full speed.

Finding the simple beauty in life is sometimes difficult. Especially when you are faced with turmoil, sickness, or just a very bad day. 


Taking a walk awakened my awareness of simple beauty. Of learning to appreciate my own story.

The Parking Lot

Each one is different. Diverse, yet still serving the same purpose.

 Some stand out. Proud and boastful, showcasing their bright colors.

Some are ghostly white. Easy to spot, but also easy to ignore.

The faded and tired are mixed in somewhere.  They have been around a long time and no one bothers to care that they are barely existing. 

And lastly, there are the ones that have no definition at all.  No boundaries. No guide. No set rules.



Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/6K7znJ

No matter the status,  it is first come......first serve. Beacons that challenge us to take life into our own hands, while racing to grab a spot up close. To find shade under that lone tree. To maneuver around others with no concept of kindness.

Parenting is like a parking lot.


Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/dzG5nX

With parenting, there are rules and requirements.  Much like parking a car. Some are ingrained in stone, while most change with each tick of the clock. Or better yet, with each flash of my blinker.

I can't keep up.

The dance classes, football practices, volleyball games, tutoring, art classes and the stress induced pharmacy drive-thru. Doctor's offices, grocery stores, libraries and movie theaters. My list of parking spots are endless.

My routine is simple.  I park. I sit. I wait.

I spend a good portion of my time.....idling. In a state of unconcious limbo. Waiting for the next wave of activities to guide me.

As I sit, I survey the parking lot.

There are others like me. Each have a common purpose.

To wait.

 Some have multiple kids running around screaming.  Because...well..... that's what kids do. I envy them. They are free.

 I feel like jumping out of this mini-prison on wheels and scream at the top of my lungs. To join in their freedom.

A parent's future is paved with an endless amount parking lots.  Mine fields for those who want their child to be busy. To be active. To be involved.  Blah, Blah Blah......

"What the hell were we thinking?", I ask myself...outloud.

 I want to reach out and shake the parent next to me. Hopeful that they will wake from their comatose state of waiting.  Maybe even enlighten me on why we do what we do.

Day in and day out. We continue to wait.

Is it out of love? Out of obligation?

The Parenting Parking Lot is a large, vast area where many never pay attention. Usually focused and distracted.  Never noticing those who are struggling.

Completely oblivious, while trying to reach that designated spot. At the designated time. 

As I sit here today, waiting for a child to emerge from another fabulous extra curricular activity,   I realize that these are my moments of calm before the storm.

My opportunity to find tranquility.

I am slowly learning to enjoy these times

because once the kids are grown and gone, where will I have to be?

A New Mindset With A Side Dish of Existing Reality



Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/bf5xuP

 

 

 

Each day is new, but always includes our existing reality from yesterday.

 

Every minute is a chance to live, but it is also another opportunity to improve our mindset.

As many do, I find myself buried under the weight of life. Of the possibilities that get swept under the rug once my head hits the pillow. Of the thoughts that always invade when I close my eyes.

My mind's switch is broken. Never obeying my instructions when I scream "Light's out".Kind of like my children, but we won't go there.  



Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/d26SkE

My desk is full of notes, blatantly nagging me to be productive. To use them. To create something from that one word. That sentence that scars the paper's surface is yearning for a home.

 

These ideas often sit and gather dust. Mocking my mindless sleep deprived brain.

 

  

 

 

 

 

All are products of my disobedient brain. It's choosing when to think. When to produce. And I'm rarely ready, when it happens.

 

 

I am working hard on setting up a writing routine and also space to call my own.  Not the kitchen table....where my laptop is decorated with that day's art project or the latest permission slip. And definitely NOT my bedroom, where my husband likes to "check" in on me.

 

An area that is M-I-N-E.  (Again, I am an only child, so some habits can not be broken.)

 

To encourage myself to be more productive,  I have set goals for myself. To some this is not a strange thing to do.  It's actually quite normal for me to set them....... To complete them is another story.

Excuse the cuss word...but I firmly think we all try (unintentionally, of course) to achieve #1.
It's just not very realistic.
Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/8atw2N

 

Past attempts at goal setting have been short lived. Maybe this is a form of ADHD? A result of being a busy mom? A form of laziness?.

 

Or just not being mentally prepared to achieve the end result?

 

 Instant gratification tendencies....be damned.....here's it goes. To make myself accountable, I thought I would share a few with you. I seem to do well under pressure.

 

 

Short & Long Term Goals

1.) Finish the first draft of my novel.

2.) Complete my "Cloffice" upstairs. 

3.) Volunteer more at my children's school. (Now, I am still me - so I have taken baby steps with this.....a few hours a week is enough.)

4.) Work out a schedule for blogging & social media marketing for my blog and author site.

5.) Don't second guess myself..... See last week's post, to get a glimpse of my inner struggle with this.

 

 

 

**Disclaimer to my Husband: 

Due to these stressful tasks I am undertaking.... I am not to be held liable for my crankiness.  Please excuse any abrupt outbursts. I respond well to quiet hugs (with no groping) and cookies.

Me, Myself, and a Million Uninvited Ideas

As a writer, I argue with my own thoughts constantly. There are times when I don't know which ideas are good and which are bad.



I portray a totally different thought process...... depending on my moods. On bad days, I want to give up and burn every piece of writing that I have. On good days, I want to sing so loud that everyone can hear me. Then there are the mediocre days. These are the days, when I feel lost but still have enough strength to find my way out.

This past Saturday, I experienced a bad and a mediocre day. All within a time span of a few hours.



Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/5htEhW
 

 



Just me.....myself......and a  million, uninvited ideas.  All of us were cruising south down IH 35, after Saturday's class.  No matter if my car were the size of a Greyhound Bus,  it would of been too close for comfort.  Trying my best to ignore my passengers, I resisted the urge to open the driver door and bail.

 

No, I am not crazy....just a writer and an over-thinker.

Let me introduce you to the passengers on board the Car Ride from Hell.......

 Me, is someone I have known all my life. She is usually the driver, in most situations. On occasion, she will allow someone else to take the wheel. But it is rare. Always focused at the task at hand, she knows exactly how long it would take from Point A to Point B. She is a no nonsense kind of girl. Well, most of the time......

 Myself, is a little trigger happy. She prefers to ride shotgun most trips. Mouthing off whenever the mood strikes her. She rarely filters what she thinks before it flies from her mouth. She is not allowed out much. She was overwhelmed at this particular time. She wanted to stop for a milkshake. She needed to stop and pee. She was annoying Me.

 

Finally, meet the Million Ideas, who occupied the back seat and any other crevice they could squeeze in to. Some of them lacked brains and had no common sense.  These were the ones rolling around and flying into the front seat, at each tap of the brake. The good ones, stayed tucked away. Scared for their life.



Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/2BPx2d

Me and Myself  became quite irritated about 5 miles in. Causing Myself, the uninhibited one, to spit curse words every 5 seconds.  She was also busy blaming Me for signing us up for this class. Because of Me, we had to deal with the unruly ideas flying around.

 

You see, knowledge does this. We take it all in, but Myself forgets to siphon the nonsense out. Allowing our brain to become so full. Thoughts become murky. The information turns sticky, thick and useless.

I needed to calm us down.

So, I allowed Myself to talk Me into  that chocolate milkshake. Bribery works with kids, right? Well, this situation was not much different. 

 

After stopping and calmly ordering, we waited. Allowing Myself and the  Million Ideas time to fight it out. We took the "may the best one win" approach.



Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/bNCgt8

 By the time our dessert was delivered, a truce was called. We also lightened the load.  Kicking out a few of the stupid, useless ideas while buckling in the ones with possibilities.



 "Myself"  passed out from a sugar coma within a mile.....



 And, "Me"?

Well, she turned up the radio and enjoyed the inner silence that had been achieved. 



My View from the Back Row

Having to witness a friend deal with marital issues is hard. Maybe because I am an Alumni to the School of Divorce. Maybe because I love her so much and hate to see her life disrupted and trampled on. Maybe it is a bit of both.

Trying to manage other's decisions is easier when they have no impact on you and your life. We tend to give our opinions and force those opinions into an already rocky situation. This is neither healthy or wise for a friendship. 

 

I made the decision to stand back and stay silent.  Offering support, yet allowing her room to contemplate her decision.

Going through marriage is difficult. Period. You have bought a ticket, expecting a glorious love story. Instead you are faced with drama, heartache, and suspense. Of course, there is love and sex tangled in there somewhere......but sometimes that is not enough  to get you through to the end.

 

 

https://flic.kr/p/7KvFWh

 From my vantage point, I feel I have a clearer perspective. Unfortunately, I can't share this with her.  She is up in the front row.  Blinded by the brightness. Unable to hear due to life's constant noise.  I can see her shoulders slouch from back here. The emotional special effects, pushing her down.

 I don't dare join them. The seats next to her, blocked off by caution tape, are not safe for anyone.  I can't point out the obvious or interrupt their moments with judgment. I just sit. Invited to their private viewing, due to friendship, does not give me the right to judge. 

I was there, in the front row, during the demise of my first marriage.

I was up close and personal with the well-worn seat cushions, that my friends are now seated in. These seats were already thread bear and worn when I had my turn. And sadly...... I know my friends will not be the last to occupy them.



 I taste the bile that rises from my stomach from being back in the same theater. It physically makes me ill as flashbacks assault me. I am reminded that no one is immune to this reality.

Many years ago, I was seated in the front row.  Beside someone who vowed to honor, love and protect me. The close proximity of that one person, was enough to make my heart flutter...... or my skin crawl, depending on the moment.  When I felt brave enough, I would grab his hand and test the waters. Yearning to feel something to prove that our marriage was worth saving,

I could rarely, stand the previews of the coming attraction, knowing  that the feature movie would turn my world up side down. Hearing the whispers of friends, colleagues, and family behind me...I wanted to hide from embarrassment. I hated that my life was bared for the world to scrutinize.


 In the end, as the final credit rolled, I realized what I had had been refusing to acknowledge. I would never get my happily ever after. At least, not with him.  

 



https://flic.kr/p/x2C4m

 These were my moments of despair. When the room was too dark to see who was there around me. Who would still be there to love me through this?

Then the lights brightened and I turned around.  Defeated. Hollow.

My life's drama had weeded out the drama seekers and negative so-called supporters.   I  looked upon those still sitting and realized that I was not alone.

This was my redefining moment......the moment I met my support team. 

Now, at 38, I think I'd handle everything differently than I did back then.

That I would be more poised and sophisticated. More confident when faced with divorce. 

Another side of me wonders if I'd be hiding in the closet. surrounded by empty wine bottles, used Kleenex and cookie crumbs.

 Fortunately, I am not faced with this harsh,  life-altering reality.

My friend is.

And I feel helpless.

 

I never told her I'd agree with her decision.  We are not the same people. It is not my life. 

BUT,  I did say that I would respect it.

 

That is what friends do. With that being said,  I am stocking up on Kleenex, Raisinettes (her favorite!),  and wine. Knowing we both may need them soon.  I also have my flashlight handy, just in case the lights aren't bright enough.  Because when she turns around to check who's still left on her backup team........

I want to make sure she knows I'm there.

Losing the "Me" in "Mom-me"

Two weeks ago, I reached an end.

The end of my Summer Patience.

Yes, I gave it a name, because patience of any type deserves a title. I have been neglecting my blog and writing. Primarily due to the constant attention my children seem to need with their 24/7 presence in my house. With me. ALL day.

 

 With chauffeuring them to and from BFE, shopping and packing for camps, visiting museums, applying suntan lotion to wiggling bodies, checking out countless library books (and paying the fines because we forget to return them on time).......I was done.

 

Approximately 80 days....... 1,920 hours of togetherness. I was well past done.

Below is an excerpt of a journal entry that I penned when my Summer Patience began to show cracks in its pretty, shiny suntanned surface.

 

I am not writing this to get sympathy, or encouragement that summer will end (because it will!). I am sharing this to showcase another part of my life. Another part of me that most don't see.

 

August 18, 2014

However alone I am....I am never without my reality. Kids, family, money concerns, dreams. They weigh heavy on my shoulders, my heart, and my mind.  

So, in other words, I am never alone. And that alone, can be depressing.

 A parent never is alone.  Our children and their lives are imprinted into our brains. Our skin. Our habits. We swear we never want this to leave us. That we love the job of nurturing them. Shaping them to become wonderful adults that will  better the world.

 

Then, I have moments of clarity when I get tapped on the shoulder. That other side of myself that craves to be paid attention to. The "me" in Mommy likes to make an appearance quite often and sometimes I ignore her.

 

 In our attempt to give our kids all we can....... Attention, love, and especially most of ourselves, we lose our "me" somewhere. Mine gets lost quite regularly and I am worried that she may not return at times. 

  My kids are cute, funny, and full of love. I love them more than anything in this world. But I don't have the urge to just sit with them 24/7.  I don't want to cuddle constantly or bow to their every whim, whimper, or tantrum. I can only take so much before I crave my alone time. 

Hubby gave me a get out of jail free card yesterday. One night away. So, I took it. (I am not crazy!)

 

I left the house and dimmed the parent light a bit.  When I am able to allow myself to take center stage, I find the strength to dig deep into my reserves. I recharge.

I think Hubby sensed my breakdown before I did. He is the referee in this game of life we play everyday. He saw a need for a time out. He made the call. Smart man.

I never claimed I was good at this mom thing. I actually think I suck at it although Hubby disagrees. This is why I keep him around. (There are other reasons too, but I won't dwell on those in this piece.)

Ok, now it's close to wine time. So, I'm signing off. Hopefully, I won't fire myself from my Mom-me position before tomorrow comes.

 

 

My Magnificent Three (A Goofy Pose - they don't normally look alike this.)

 

 

Live for Today...Breathe for Tomorrow....Write for Me

Sitting alone allows your mind to contemplate things. The things you don't have time for during everyday life. The hustling to get out the door. Speeding to get somewhere on time. A certain somewhere you'd rather not be. Frantically trying to keep your composure when all you want to do is scream. Or cry. 

So today, I sit here. Listening.

Car doors slam. Water drops hit the pavement, as a sprinkler waters the flower bed.

My temporary sanctuary soothes me.  If only everyday could be like this, wouldn't I be content?

 I guess this could be my everyday. Some may not understand the feeling I crave. The freedom in escaping. Listening. Creating.  

 I've always written when I felt Ike it.  Whenever the urge hit.  Never facing a career ending deadline,  my words came and went as they pleased.

When I am highly emotional the words flow out of me, just like the sprinkler watering nearby. They are not always good words, but my page fills and I find peace. An emotional balance.

When I am living in my normal........I  tend to shut my writing door. Closing off the inspiration and disregard my emotions knocking from the other side.


 Venturing out ..........


I attended my first RWA Conference this year.  Sitting among people that also have a passion for writing, made everything REAL.

After my first day at the conference, alone in my car,  I was hit an immense feeling of inadequacy. Along with tears and the annoying urge to puke.

Apparently,  REAL scared the shit out of me.

 For a split second, I thought these feelings meant that I did not belong in the midst of these other writers. That I was in over my head.

 Then, as fast at it hit me, my doubt was gone.  I started to think about the book ideas I have created and the characters that are alive in my head. The characters that are barely breathing. Suffocating under my procrastination.

Both stories are as much a part of me as my own heart.  If I let these stories disappear, will  part of me fade away too?

My first AHA! Moment.

Strength took hold and rooted itself deep within me. I realized that I am tired of keeping the door closed. Only allowing access when I'm emotional, unstable, or just plain mad. It's time to remove the door. Rip it from its hinges and explore the possibilities of my reality.