Losing the "Me" in "Mom-me"

Two weeks ago, I reached an end.

The end of my Summer Patience.

Yes, I gave it a name, because patience of any type deserves a title. I have been neglecting my blog and writing. Primarily due to the constant attention my children seem to need with their 24/7 presence in my house. With me. ALL day.

 

 With chauffeuring them to and from BFE, shopping and packing for camps, visiting museums, applying suntan lotion to wiggling bodies, checking out countless library books (and paying the fines because we forget to return them on time).......I was done.

 

Approximately 80 days....... 1,920 hours of togetherness. I was well past done.

Below is an excerpt of a journal entry that I penned when my Summer Patience began to show cracks in its pretty, shiny suntanned surface.

 

I am not writing this to get sympathy, or encouragement that summer will end (because it will!). I am sharing this to showcase another part of my life. Another part of me that most don't see.

 

August 18, 2014

However alone I am....I am never without my reality. Kids, family, money concerns, dreams. They weigh heavy on my shoulders, my heart, and my mind.  

So, in other words, I am never alone. And that alone, can be depressing.

 A parent never is alone.  Our children and their lives are imprinted into our brains. Our skin. Our habits. We swear we never want this to leave us. That we love the job of nurturing them. Shaping them to become wonderful adults that will  better the world.

 

Then, I have moments of clarity when I get tapped on the shoulder. That other side of myself that craves to be paid attention to. The "me" in Mommy likes to make an appearance quite often and sometimes I ignore her.

 

 In our attempt to give our kids all we can....... Attention, love, and especially most of ourselves, we lose our "me" somewhere. Mine gets lost quite regularly and I am worried that she may not return at times. 

  My kids are cute, funny, and full of love. I love them more than anything in this world. But I don't have the urge to just sit with them 24/7.  I don't want to cuddle constantly or bow to their every whim, whimper, or tantrum. I can only take so much before I crave my alone time. 

Hubby gave me a get out of jail free card yesterday. One night away. So, I took it. (I am not crazy!)

 

I left the house and dimmed the parent light a bit.  When I am able to allow myself to take center stage, I find the strength to dig deep into my reserves. I recharge.

I think Hubby sensed my breakdown before I did. He is the referee in this game of life we play everyday. He saw a need for a time out. He made the call. Smart man.

I never claimed I was good at this mom thing. I actually think I suck at it although Hubby disagrees. This is why I keep him around. (There are other reasons too, but I won't dwell on those in this piece.)

Ok, now it's close to wine time. So, I'm signing off. Hopefully, I won't fire myself from my Mom-me position before tomorrow comes.

 

 

My Magnificent Three (A Goofy Pose - they don't normally look alike this.)

 

 

Live for Today...Breathe for Tomorrow....Write for Me

Sitting alone allows your mind to contemplate things. The things you don't have time for during everyday life. The hustling to get out the door. Speeding to get somewhere on time. A certain somewhere you'd rather not be. Frantically trying to keep your composure when all you want to do is scream. Or cry. 

So today, I sit here. Listening.

Car doors slam. Water drops hit the pavement, as a sprinkler waters the flower bed.

My temporary sanctuary soothes me.  If only everyday could be like this, wouldn't I be content?

 I guess this could be my everyday. Some may not understand the feeling I crave. The freedom in escaping. Listening. Creating.  

 I've always written when I felt Ike it.  Whenever the urge hit.  Never facing a career ending deadline,  my words came and went as they pleased.

When I am highly emotional the words flow out of me, just like the sprinkler watering nearby. They are not always good words, but my page fills and I find peace. An emotional balance.

When I am living in my normal........I  tend to shut my writing door. Closing off the inspiration and disregard my emotions knocking from the other side.


 Venturing out ..........


I attended my first RWA Conference this year.  Sitting among people that also have a passion for writing, made everything REAL.

After my first day at the conference, alone in my car,  I was hit an immense feeling of inadequacy. Along with tears and the annoying urge to puke.

Apparently,  REAL scared the shit out of me.

 For a split second, I thought these feelings meant that I did not belong in the midst of these other writers. That I was in over my head.

 Then, as fast at it hit me, my doubt was gone.  I started to think about the book ideas I have created and the characters that are alive in my head. The characters that are barely breathing. Suffocating under my procrastination.

Both stories are as much a part of me as my own heart.  If I let these stories disappear, will  part of me fade away too?

My first AHA! Moment.

Strength took hold and rooted itself deep within me. I realized that I am tired of keeping the door closed. Only allowing access when I'm emotional, unstable, or just plain mad. It's time to remove the door. Rip it from its hinges and explore the possibilities of my reality.

Learning to Color Outside the Lines

Before I gave birth to my first child, I had a certain picture in my head.  An image of what parenting looked like. It was perfect. Smooth, even lines, and elegant lighting showcased what my life would be like.

 

As time went by, I threw away my perfect picture.  I found that it is easier to raise my children by ignoring the rules set by books, well-meaning advice and criticism.  

I  now listen to my gut and raise my children how my husband and I think is best. Our parenting picture kind of resembles a Picasso painting. Abstract, yet beautiful.

If We Only Knew......

I don’t recall any stage of my children’s lives that were entirely warm, cuddly and calm. They all included some sort of struggle, whether it was from figuring out WHY they were crying at 2AM…….or wondering WHERE they were at 2AM.  

 

But, I do realize that without ever having the moments of witnessing first smiles, hearing the contagious laugh of a child, cleaning scraped knees, or enjoying sloppy toddler kisses…….my life would not feel complete. These experiences softened me. Preparing me for teenage arguments, curfew rules, and hormones.

This is a viscous, natural cycle....
 

My oldest is moving out this next week. Her furniture has been loaded up. Her mementos, clothes, and stuffed animals are all packed away. This is her decision. Her life to lead. I support her, although I am scared for her.

With tears, remorse, anger and pride I released her hand and watched her drift off into a world…..one that I hope I have prepared her for.

 

Although her belongings  now reside under another roof, I will never stop being her mother. That’s not how this parenting thing goes.  I will never be done. Surprisingly....I am ok with that.

Where I feel my sun is setting with my oldest, I am fighting the urge to ask for a few more minutes of daylight. A few moments to show her how to cook, how to get certain stains out of her clothes, or to just make sure she has enough underwear, socks, and toilet paper.

 

The Rising and Setting of Parenthood - Recap

I wanted to share a guest piece of mine, that posted last week on Great Moments in Parenting.
Take a look below if you did not get a chance to read it.



The Rising and Setting of Parenthood

 

 

As I awaken to the early morning, I shake off sleep and admire the sun slowly peeking through the trees.
Still trying to find its place in the world, much like I am. Rising without a sound. Shedding its light upon us, secretly telling us that there is so much out there to see.

It’s steady, reliable, sometimes harsh, yet always beautiful.

 

Ignoring the urge to crawl back under my warm covers, I start my day. It is summer and right now I can’t recall what day it is. I search for caffeine.

The sun’s smooth, calming rays wash over the kitchen. Dust particles dance off the counters, partnering up with the sun’s light. Both are mocking me. I have not cleaned since we’ve been back from vacation. The kids cups from the night before line the sink edge. A tiny army of mismatched cups, half full, waiting for someone to attack.

I sit and inhale a deep breath, relaxing each muscle. The tribe will awaken soon. Blasting through my calm. Causing me to miss the sun rising up over the tree tops, which somehow occurs each day without me taking note of the beauty.

Cereal will be poured. Chocolate milk will be spilt. I will ingest additional caffeine. There will be more sighing and protesting when I ask the kids to dress for the day.

 It’s never ending. Ongoing. Predictable.

Sitting in my car, driving towards our fifth stop of the day, I adjust my sunglasses, attempting to block out the harshness beating through the windshield. Questions about lunch echo through the car. This same question has been asked since the last bite of cereal left their bowls. I ignore it. They will get fed … eventually. They always do.

Once we’re back home, the pool is waiting. Clear blue skies blanket us from overhead. I’m able to sit and watch the fun unfold.

The sunblock shimmering from their tanned skin. The sun–no longer gentle, but harsh and bright–almost blinding if I dare to tip my chin up. So I don’t. I look at what’s in front of me. Laughter and happiness. These memories are burning into my heart.

Sweat pours from my skin. My stress and worries dissolve. Once the bugs appear and I can’t take the heat, we retreat inside.

The coolness of the AC shocks our system, but we welcome its relief. Unwinding and setting into our evening routine, dinner is prepared as shadows dance across the kitchen.

Our sun, my daily guide, is slowly setting. I feel my energy drain and want to call it a day. But the kids are not done. They never are.

Dusk is upon us. Lamps are turned on and the bath-time battle commences. My companion has almost vanished … only its glow remains, reminding me that my day is almost to the end.

Once all is quiet, I sit again and take a deep breath. I try to not think about anything, but know that tomorrow will be more of the same. It’s my constant, the rising and setting of parenthood.

This is the time of my day I often contemplate the future. Fear and hope are lingering in the shadows of twilight, invading the parts of my mind that were sidetracked throughout the day. I understand that I will always be a parent. Just as the sun rises and sets, I will forever be a mother.

But there will be a juncture when they will leave to live their own lives. Stepping out of our warmth to follow their own adventures. Leaving the protection I have always provided.

How will my life change once parenthood vanishes?
Will I feel sad?
Will I bask in new-found freedom?
Will they forget everything we have tried to instill in their young brains?


I vow that when this moment arrives, I will hug them tight and remind them:

To always dance and cherish the delicate rays of each sunrise.
To always protect themselves from the harsh burn that comes when they least expect.
To stand tall and never fear the shadows of twilight.

 ***

If you have a chance, check out Great Moments in Parenting s website for other great reads! 

 

 

DAY 7 & Still Going Strong

We are on DAY 7. I have nicknamed this summer as Mission Impossible. Each day is action-packed and  involves intellect, heroics, and scheming villains. Don't judge, but it helps me cope to live outside of reality every now and then. If only life were like the movies.

Figuring It Out......

 For the first few days, I stared at these creatures, they very ones I helped create, wondering how I will make it out alive. My survival instincts said to run….and don’t look back.  

Due to bad knees and the fact that I suck at running, I decided it was best I stood my ground.

This was my new mantra:

Don’t make eye contact and stand very still…..maybe they will sniff around for a bit and then go off to chase the squirrels………

Ok, maybe that comparison is a bit harsh, but I sometimes feel like I am at odds with a rabid animal. Kids are smart. They scheme to get what they want. Their skillful maneuvers bring havoc and attempt to break you down.  Their instincts are impeccable, especially when they have you backed into a corner.

 I love these little minions that now occupy my every waking moment. I do. Really….. But I am also a person that loves her quiet, “ME” time. I believe this stems from being an only child. Back in the day, I could shut off my mind and write, read, or just be. 

It's all about survival......

I have survived hourly attacks from these little humans….the very ones that inherited my husband’s smart a** personality and my incessant need to always be right.  My Mom and God are laughing at this, I am sure.

Karma sure dealt us a great hand. I curse her daily.

 After spending a bad day of swearing at my good friend, Karma, I am tired. Also a bit bitter. There are moments when I google summer camps that last ALL summer, no matter the cost.  A second mortgage would be an easy fix to the headaches and bickering.

But, I only Google....I never actually complete the registration. I’d miss them. Most of the time.

I chose this SAHM life. My husband and I made the decision while we were sober, coherent, and of sound mind. I just need to get over my own doubts and insecurities.

Sharing our Day........

When my husband asks about our day, I am sometimes guilty of not sharing the good stuff.  I feel remorseful that he cannot suffer enjoy what happens while he is at the office.  In fairness to him, I created him a letter/list:  

Dear Craig,

If I forget to tell you about our day, please know that it is not intentional.  I just fear that speaking of these events may cause flashbacks. And since I know you hate when I cry, please accept this as a substitute to a verbal discussion.

*Disclaimer: For the most part, these are daily occurrences, but they are subject to change without warning.

1.)    Answered repeated inquiries about our daily agenda.  

2.)    Ignored proclamations of boredom. 

3.)    Calmed cries of frustration when they realized we are not going to town (AKA – spend money). And you said saving money was my weakness. HA! 

4.)    Scrubbed mysterious stuff, which I swear were dried boogers (or cereal…or toothpaste, or gum, or something icky from outside that I don’t want to identify) from the stair railings. 

5.)    Questioned, silently of course, their intelligence when they cannot grasp the concept of why we placed towel holders in the bathrooms.  

6.) Washed a load of towels, unable to distinguish which ones were still clean and which ones were not. (Refer to #5 above)

Love,

Your Wife

P.S If you can't locate me....check the closet.

P.P.S

If not in closet, secure the perimeters and question the children. They may look innocent, but don't believe a word they say.

Surprisingly, I don't miss my old normal...... 

My day sometimes pales in comparison to my husband’s. He shares tales of meetings, working lunches, and planning strategies for multi-million dollar projects. These excite him. He thrives off the turmoil and anticipates the growth that the corporate world offers.

That use to be me. My old normal savored the adrenaline rush of deadlines, procedures, and management. I would react and get a high from strategy meetings, sales numbers and planning for company growth. At the same time, though, these things would also strip me bare. Leaving no room to enjoy my family once I got home. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep it off.

Will I ever want to live in that other world again? I honestly don’t know.

Pursuing my writing will bring changes to our family dynamic. These will bring changes that I chose, not ones I settled for. My family supports me and I am grateful.

I am interested to see how our summer adventure will turn out. I’m scared, yet find that I’m also excited and curious.  It’s like watching those shark shows……you know a person will be eaten or mangled…….you know there will be blood, mutilation, and carnage……..…yet, you still watch.

I foresee a lot of adjustment this summer....mostly for me.

Stay tuned my friends. It's about to get interesting.

  

Hi, my name is Jennifer…..and I am a Stay-At-Home Mom Newbie

There is one & a half days left of the school year…..mere hours left until my Dear Diva Child and Handsome Middle Child are no longer entertained by others for 8 hours.  Summer has finally arrived.   

I am feeling a bit anxious about having my children all to myself for the first time since my last maternity leave….almost 9 years ago.  I am not counting weekends, extended holidays, or vacations. We have these down to a science.  

My time has been spent wondering how many other parents are taking this plunge. Leaving the busy working world outside the home to spend time with their kids? How many are trying to juggle a fledgling dream while trying to figure out how to tolerate the kids 24/7?

 Are there support groups that we newbies can attend? Do I get a special coin or reward if I survive these next 3 months? Who can help me with the important questions I have?

Should I have visited my doctor for anxiety meds?

Are cocktails allowed at any hour? If not, what hour is acceptable?

   I had relished being able to flip off the “Mom” switch (or at least dimming it a bit) while I headed off to work. Yes, I still received those phone calls regarding where they placed their shoes, if I ate the last cookie, and if they could have a friend over. But, once I answered their questions I could disconnect again.  I would arrive back around 5:30 and flip the switch back on for a few hours. Then it was bed time and I was “off” again.

These “off” times were filled with exhaustion and guilt. Guilt that I was not home with my kids. Guilt that I was OK with not being home. Exhaustion from leading 2 lives: My work life and home life...…with a majority of my day spent with my work family.

 

Be Careful of What You Ask For……

I asked for this. I begged for the opportunity. I looked my husband in the eye 6 months ago and told him, “It’ll be no problem! I can do it. Trust me.”

Fast forward 6 months…….

Me: “Only 1 more week left! Are you excited?”

Middle Child: “Mom, we only have 2 ½ more days. We get out Wednesday, not Friday.”

Me: “You don’t go until next Friday?”

Middle Child: “No. Mom. And don’t forget Wednesday is a half-day….”

Me: “Well, crap……”



Photo Credit:

https://flic.kr/p/9jE2nc

 

Summer had not even started and I already had one mark against me.  

 

A piece of cake….right? (Just nod and humor me….)

Super Mom is a fictional character we like to conjure up in our minds. This dream is unrealistic and often causes us to feel more discouraged than we already are. I have accepted that I am real and that's alright. I am not, nor will I ever be a SUPER MOM.   My kids love me just the same......I hope.

 

Pushing doubt aside is difficult.  There are books to better prepare me for this adventure, but I am winging it. I have successfully raised three kids without once losing them or giving them away….so far. And I feel accomplished that I have 1 child that is technically an adult and I have never had to bail her out of jail.  Who needs a stinking book!?

Being myself is less stressful.

There will be bumps, bruises, scratches and the occasional screaming but I have faith that our household will make it.  I am clueless about how the dynamics will change by having the kids ALL day without hubby as a buffer. Or having school to provide constant interaction. I have booked a few camps, so hopefully this will allow us some time apart to regroup and remember that we love each other. (Keep your fingers crossed!)

 

 

 

 

Top 3 Summer Goals in BFE

1.)    Blogging a bit more and share my adventures and mishaps.

2.)    Start my book and possibly fail a few times. (see last week’s post)

3.)    Enjoy my kids and treasure the laughter, tears, and time.

 

 

 

 

Something More

I have not written anything on my blog for a few weeks. I took a break. Accepting that I needed some time was not an easy one.  I have a bad habit on not focusing on the here and now. Always living my life for one certain event.

Over the past 2 weeks, I lived each day and acknowledged that my life was mine to live, however I see fit.  I wanted to step back and settle my nerves……and the voices in head. I have learned that a lot of people have this inner voice. Most writers engage with it quite regularly, so I decided to listen a bit closer to what I needed.

 

Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/auEMVH

ME vs. MYSELF

I have always hated confrontation. Growing up, I despised rocking the boat and causing conflict. As I entered into my thirties, I realized that while I was busy making everyone else happy…I was not. Appeasing others kept me busy. The type of mindless busy-ness where you stand around smiling and nodding, but never really caring about the outcome.

I was faking it.

Confronting my own negativity has been a cruel and never ending battle. Recognizing the tornado of emotions swirling inside was painful and depressing.  My habit of denial never allowed sadness, hurt, or anger to surface. They just swirled….building until I felt overwhelmed.  The fury that would then explode, left a path of destruction.

Self-destruction in not pretty.



SOMEDAY…..……

I began blogging to achieve my "something more". I finally defined what this was to me: Becoming a published author.

Writing daily was therapeutic and calming. But at the same time, I was frustrated. Where blogging satisfied my writing itch, I realized that my goals were misconstrued. I only blog once a week, so this left free time. I had time to build myself as a writer, but I tended to shy away from anything writing related.

The other day, I was talking with a friend about how I love to write…..some days.  We chatted about my goal of publishing a novel…..that may happen.......someday.

Photo Credit: © Anthony Dodd

I confessed that even after leaving my full-time job, my personal goals were still being filed under that familiar SOMEDAY tab.  Losing my focus when writing was causing me anxiety. This was my “something more”, damn it! Where’s the satisfaction I craved? 

Thoughts invaded my head of quitting. Just be a mom and enjoy the next million years until they leave the house. Should establishing myself as a published writer wait for another time? Like when pigs fly?

 I chalked this up to my typical behavior.

You see, I am an instant gratification junkie. Thriving on and sometimes overdosing on the short-lived thrill. 

My friend listened to my SOMEDAY excuses. She asked if I had written my first chapter yet I could feel my cheeks flush. Admitting the truth embarrassed me. The truth was no, I had not written a chapter. I had not even expanded my outline or ideas onto a measly first page.  

Next came the tough question......

"What are you waiting for?" 
 

Admit the Truth

We all have other duties in our life. We all make excuses. We all face the challenges of making time to focus on a dream, to pursue a goal, or to slow down and recognize that you do hold the power over your own life.

 

 I realized.....the things you are searching for to complete your life…… are found inside of you.  I needed to stop looking elsewhere. I needed to stop using my fear of failure as a crutch.

If I never sit down and create this novel, my story will never be shared. If I never send it in for publication, I will not get a rejection letter. If no one reads it, I will never hear the negative criticism.  That's the inner voice of fear talking.

On the flip side, if I continue to allow fear to rule my life,  I will never experience success. I will never see my book in print. I will never achieve  my "something more".  

No.....I will not wake up tomorrow and tell my children that it is OK to fail at whatever they do. BUT, I will make sure to teach them not to let the fear of failure rule their lives.  Straight A's, awards, and winning games are all great accomplishments, but there is so much more to it.

  If you never TRY something just because you MAY or MAY NOT fail, well........you will never know what you missed along the way.  

I may type a million first pages and fail 999,999 times. BUT that 1 page that makes it into my book, will be worth all the others failures before it.