All for the Sake of Memories.....

 

We survived the week long, 2,300 mile road trip. All kids are accounted for and my sanity is in place…..well, what is left of it.  There were a few minor meltdowns…….I bartered deals at gift shops and avoided buying tiny, useless crap that would lose itself in my car seats. I caved at gas stations, buying new crayons and color books. We learned that laughter from the backseat usually was followed by gaseous fumes. Siri informed me that there IS such a thing as a Walking Cactus and I worried about my husband’s fascination over tumbleweeds.

You see, I had dodged this vacation for 2 years now. It was time to put my big girl panties on and enjoy the experience. Traveling together and being immersed in every little second of each other’s life was a bit much at times. There were highlights, lowlights, and plenty of memories that were made during this family adventure.

Highlights

1. Drove through the Petrified Forest National Park and the Painted Desert allowing Diva Child to earn a Jr. Ranger Badge.

 

2.   Watched the Sunset at the Grand Canyon without a single child falling over.

 

3. Rode a Train for the first time…. and thanked God there was a potty on board.  

 

4.    Perfecting ETS…..Emergency “Toot” System…..If you dealt it, please roll down window without nasty comment for the sake of all held hostage in the vehicle.

 

Lowlights

1.    Had to endure the painstaking task of answering all those questions in the Junior Ranger workbook at the Petrified Forest……and then not losing it when Diva Child swore we passed the exact log we needed to stop at to complete page 6……”It’s called a forest for a reason, honey….plenty of petrified wood here...no worries!”

 

2.   Realizing I left the camera's SIM card at home.

 

3.    Following my obsessive, picture taking husband around 5 different vantage points of the Grand Canyon…..muttering to myself that it 

      looked the same as the last stop.

 

4.    Not speaking up while at Carlsbad Caverns, when husband asks, “Who wants to hike back up the trail?” ……..instead wondering if  I could make it to the elevators before they realized I was not behind them.  

 

Memories

1.    Teaching my kids that those pretty shaped linen napkins need to be shaken out before you lay them on your lap.

 

2.    Watching my teenage son’s eyes bulge at the site of the largest buffet he’s ever seen. (One of the reasons for the ETS being put in place. See Highlight section above.)

 

3.   Teaching my kids to play Uno…..without cheating.   

 

4.    Listening to my children and realize that they do actually love each other.

 

 All for Them

I made this same trip 2 times when I was a kid. I remember bits and pieces……like a short film playing in my head. The Grand Canyon, was a hole to me. Nothing more, nothing less. It is still a hole and I am sure not much has changed since I last went. But, what had changed was ME. I realized that I needed this road trip more than anyone in my family.

Walking around the Canyon’s rim, I actually noticed how the crisp, cool air whistled through the trees. I noticed how other families interacted.....some were paranoid of falling head first over the side......while others bravely ventured out to rocky points, just to get a better glimpse.  I finally admired the beauty that I failed to see twenty-eight years ago.

 

On this vacation, there was no rush. No schedule. It was just us and we took advantage of the down time to explore. I embraced this as a time to see the world through my children's eyes and help create their memories of Spring Break 2014. 

 

 

 

 

               

 

 

Taking the Backseat

I set myself up. I totally underestimated the power of karma. I was blinded by pride.

A few weeks back, Diva Child’s school hosted a Writing Paw-looza event. I was excited. Writing was my “thing”.  What if she inherited my love for it?

 It was a night when my husband and I had to split shifts…… he went to our son’s basketball game…..I headed to the “Paw-looza”. It was a no brainer. Writing was my department. I had this! Visions ran through my head at the importance this night held. It took me 25 years to accept writing as a pivotal part in my life……what if she has a talent and she pursues it at an early age?



I held her hand as we walked into her class. I sat in her tiny chair eager to see her writing. There in front of me was a hand decorated portfolio, showcasing her name and a hand drawn little girl with a bow in her hair. My heart melted. My smile spread from ear to ear as I read her "bio" page.  I know, I was putting a lot on an 8 year olds performance, but as parents….. we do this. We grasp similarities we have with our children and try to nurture them with hopes that they will be better.

Backseat…..Party of 1!

As I opened the folder, my daughter was smiling and her eyes were glowing with excitement. I started to read the first story, titled Surprise Birthday.  By the 2^nd sentence I realized this was a work of fiction. By the 4^th sentence, I gathered this story was how she fictionally aided in throwing her dad a party. By the end of the story, I felt slighted…….I was not mentioned in this story at all. It was just Dad this and Dad that. I took the high road though……I smiled at my daughter, commented on how great it was, then turned to the next story.

Story #2 was titled Dad……..Huh? What the heck!?

In one fell swoop, my bubble burst. Don’t misunderstand……her stories were great. They were filled with love, imagination and sang with her own personal writing style. She did take after me……..but you see, between the two of us…..I was the only one who saw this.

 I wanted to crawl into a corner and lick my wounds. I tucked my emotions away and resisted the urge to ask where my story was. I gave birth to her, so doesn’t that deserve a small cameo?  

 

Karma

We headed home that night and I relayed the events to my husband. He chuckled. A single chuckle……as if he already knew this. Have I been in the backseat this whole time without realizing it? Either way, I don’t like it. There is no leg room and I feel claustrophobic. Should I have fought harder to get my front seat status? Did my husband call “Shotgun!” and I did not hear him?

 This is selfish of me, I know. Maybe this stems from being an only child …….Maybe this is karma kicking my ass all for all the things I put my mother through.

My mom took a backseat for me many years ago. I failed to see this when I was younger. My mom was always available for me and I pushed that away, especially in my teen years. I could never admit that I needed her just as much as I needed my dad.

 I admit, that I worshipped my dad. I remember his hugs encircling me and ensuring safety. I also fondly recall our nighttime prayers.  And our movie dates…..enjoying each other’s company while gorging on popcorn.  On the flip side, he was the only one who could gut me with a look, allowing all my indiscretions to flow out for the world to see.  I always strived for his approval.

I realize now that Diva Child sees a hero in her Daddy….. Just like I see a hero in mine.

 

 

Use Caution Up Ahead

It’s going to be a bumpy ride with this one. It is not easy relinquishing my bond with her. She’s my mini-me. Will I receive a claim ticket to retrieve the mother/daughter bond at a later date? Will I be given body armor to protect my heart during those teen age years? And who will answer me when I ask, “Are we there yet?!”  The backseat is awfully lonely.

I have resigned to let her Dad take the lead for a bit. I have buckled up and will try to get comfortable. I don’t even mind that my view is somewhat limited. Maybe then, I won’t see those teen years coming at us head on. I will be ready for them though…….with open arms and love.

Hold on…..Crap! Are there airbags back here?

 

My Beginning

This  End is…..My Beginning

 

A shadow places me in its hold.

Without even a firm grasp.

Who knows where this life will go.

 

A shudder roots itself deep.

Clinging inside.

Never quiet reaching.

 

Instilled in the knowledge

And ingrained in the soul.

The fear creeps forward and steers me

Towards the end.

 

To give up on this.

To say the end.

To give up on a dream.

To say it can never begin.

 

Without words the heart will harden.

And to most, this is not a problem.

Words are cheap when no one listens.

But when your words are what allows you to breathe

You know you are invested.

 

To give up on this

To make this my end.

Waking from a dream

And to say never again……

 

Is not what I foresee.
Success is not measured by one circumstance.

 

My Snapshots of Life

 

 

The snapshots that usually make it into the photo album or slide shows portray our happiness, those perfect family vacations, and the shiny new bikes at Christmas. I think some of the most memorable "snapshots" are ones that don't make it on film. When our "real" side comes out and only the closest to us are fortunate to witness......or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it.....

These are times when you aren't posing or camouflaging yourself behind someone to cut off those extra 5 or 10 pounds. My everyday life deserves some documenting, right?

 

 

 

The Good, The Occasional Bad, &  The Occasionally Ugly Moments 

 

1.  Shopping tirelessly for violin cases, jock straps, and foot “undies”. Not understanding why they can’t make a one stop shop….. then finding said jock strap laying next to their toothbrush.



Hating the pick up line
 

 

2. Waiting in the after school pick-up line without a good book.


3. Showing up 3 hours early, to wait in line, to make sure diva child gets the best dance teacher.  

4. Peeling money from your sweat drenched pocket so your pouting child can have a snow cone that will ruin the shirt they are wearing.  

 

 

 

5. Washing headphones, hall passes and an occasional pull-up.  My smile when discovering that dollar in the washer…..a tip for my awesomeness. 

 
 

6. Wiping snot with my shirt while licking my finger and rubbing mystery marks off a small round cheek, and flushing the toilet for someone else….. is sadly part of my routine.  I think this should involve Hazard Pay.

 

 

7. Muttering curse words under my breath, while scraping dried Rice Krispies from the table or while cleaning the dreaded kid's bathroom. Thoughts of being a servant have run through my mind.  (see Hazard Pay referenced above.)

 

 

 

 

8. Watching my son learning to ride a bike ……and catching myself laughing as he runs into a tree. FYI….He was fine, BTW.

9. Shedding tears of joy at dance recitals, clapping enthusiastically at violin concerts, and cheering like a banshee when my son slides into home plate has my husband chuckling and shaking his head.

Honestly, I think he is relieved to see this side of me.  

 

10. Smelling animal poo while waiting for my child to "show" their pigs. Who would of thought......

 

 

11. Shedding tears of despair during those teenage years when I didn’t know what else to do. Not recognizing my child growing distant and unfamiliar, shocked me. It downright scared the crap out of me. I now realize why military schools were established.

  

12. Battling confusion and the urge to remove my eighteen year old’s nose ring.  Asking her “Does it get in the way of blowing your nose? Won’t snot get stuck on it?”  

 

13. Researching Disney vacations…..for several years, only to book a trip to Cozumel…..for 2 instead. The kids are still waiting on the Disney trip.  

 

 

  

14. Gripping the “OH SHIT” handle, as my 16 year old turned left on a red light. I was sure that “Mom, I was committed” would be the last words I’d ever hear.  
 

15. Realizing how much college tuition costs...... 

 

 

 Forever Branded

 

These mental snapshots are part of me, my family, and my life.  They may fade with time. They may get a bit warped. My mind may forget the emotions behind them, when I am old and grey. Nonetheless, they are never really gone as they are forever branded on my heart. 

 

P.S.

Kids…….In the future, please use your knowledge of these moments when picking out my 5-star nursing home.  And if money is tight, your Dad would be OK with the 2-Star. 

 

 

The "Pen & Paper" Side



| Dreamstime Stock Photos

All of my blog posts, so far, have consisted of stories of parenthood and like situations. I find it therapeutic to share the funny stories and heartwarming tales. They are my endless source of entertainment and sometimes the foundation of my uncertainties.  But, woven between those adventures are my efforts to be a writer. Parenthood is only a third of my blog title, so today I wanted to focus on the “Pen & Paper” side.

When one of my writing teachers asked us to describe a color, I chose the color that always intrigued me. It's a basic exercise, but I wanted to share this with you.  I selected  a color that expresses and represents countless objects, emotions & fantasies.  

Red Is Within Me

I am a cardinal, brilliantly coated in red, entering your line of sight.  I breeze by and perch in a nearby  Oak Tree. Enveloped by leaves proudly boasting versions of rust, garnet, and crimson. Each leaf a composition of splendor. Engrossed in this tidal wave of splendor, you are distracted from the flamboyant energy around you. I fly away, jealous that I have lost your attention.

I’m the first thing you notice as you grab the crisp, Pink Lady Apple from your pack.  I am the suggestion of sweetness you enjoy as the juices excite your taste buds and moisten your sunburned lips. Embers flash, as I hover in the breeze.  Everyone gathers around my flames, all eyes are captivated, waiting with anticipation to view Mother Nature’s canvas.  

You unconsciously touch me, a stain caused by a night of too much merlot and dancing. I have been forever present, set from years of drying. I am a lover’s kiss, placed on your swollen lips. I am the painful, vibrant memories of ignited passion. A tidal wave that rises from your core, causing a fire where there is no escape.

I flush your cheeks. Your ruddy hands attempt to cool the heated skin, but I am also the embarrassment that makes it impossible to end. Anger, my other half, is close behind. I am flashes of unwanted words that escape with regret. I am the scarlet on your nails as they dig deep, holding onto hope.

I am the crimson memories. Seeping in visions of the darkness pooled around the wound. I am a color so intense, you are afraid I’m real.  

What color is within you?

Embracing the Silence

My usual Sunday posting did not happen. I ignored my laptop. I refused to pick up a pen. I felt extremely guilty because I am a person who thrives on schedules and organization. I decided to wait until this morning because I needed to let my mind rest a bit. Oh.... the hell with it..... I'll just be blunt..... I needed to figure crap out.   

 

After a full 5 days of family and constant activities, this morning gave me a chance to sit and think. My house is rarely quiet. So today, with the kids safely delivered to school, my hubby away at his office, and the TV off.....I listened to the silence. Silence is never void of sound. The definition of silence varies for each individual. My silence is filled with a type of calm that I seldom embrace.

 

 

 

 

 

Sitting at my "desk" (a.k.a. the kitchen table), I concentrate on the echoing tick-tock of the kitchen clock. The water rushing through the dishwasher. The hiss of the heated air exiting the vents. I found solace in the wind chime's melancholy tune. All of this, each second, lasts a lifetime. In the same thought, each moment is gone in a blur.

 

Over the past week I have doubted my journey. Am I pursuing the right path? Am I being disillusioned that I can make a career out of my love for writing? I have guilt because I lack the college degree. I have doubts because I get distracted. I get frustrated when cannot put some of my thoughts into elegant script. I get angry when I am enveloped into a piece only to stop because "Mommy Duty" calls.

 

Being strong is all a state of mind. But what happens when your mind lets in the what-if's? I know WHO I am. Is it wrong to want more? I don't feel that my "bio" is complete. My main concern is how can I achieve more without sacrificing time with my family? Being selfish has always been my downfall. Maybe it is that dreaded single-child syndrome I have been accused of having.......maybe it is just the way I am programmed. 

 

As I read my ramblings above, I hope I have not bored you to tears with my pity party.  I wanted to share my thoughts. Releasing this onto paper helps me cope with the negative funk I have been dealing with.  I know there are others out there that feel this way.  I have heard the stories first hand. But, in the moments of self-doubt you seldom remember you have company.

 

Ian Britton / FreeFoto.com

I am not perfect. I am not extraordinary. I am just me, learning how to live this life that I have been given. This was a "bump" in the road. A small detour where I embraced the silence. I allowed myself to be reminded of the reason for my journey.

 

“Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there’s love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” —Ella Fitzgerald