A few weeks back, Diva Child’s school hosted a Writing
Paw-looza event. I was excited. Writing was my “thing”. What if she inherited my love for it?
It was a night when
my husband and I had to split shifts…… he went to our son’s basketball game…..I
headed to the “Paw-looza”. It was a no brainer. Writing was my department. I had
this! Visions ran through my head at the importance this night held. It took me
25 years to accept writing as a pivotal part in my life……what if she has a
talent and she pursues it at an early age?
I held her hand as we walked into her class. I sat in her tiny
chair eager to see her writing. There in front of me was a hand decorated
portfolio, showcasing her name and a hand drawn little girl with a bow in her
hair. My heart melted. My smile spread from ear to ear as I read her "bio" page. I know, I was putting a lot on an 8 year olds performance,
but as parents….. we do this. We grasp similarities we have with our children
and try to nurture them with hopes that they will be better.
Backseat…..Party of
1!
As I opened the folder, my daughter was smiling and her eyes
were glowing with excitement. I started to read the first story, titled Surprise Birthday. By the 2nd sentence I realized this
was a work of fiction. By the 4th sentence, I gathered this story
was how she fictionally aided in throwing her dad a party. By the end of the
story, I felt slighted…….I was not mentioned in this story at all. It was just
Dad this
and Dad that. I took the high road though……I smiled at my daughter, commented
on how great it was, then turned to the next story.
Story #2 was titled Dad……..Huh?
What the heck!?
In one fell swoop, my bubble burst. Don’t misunderstand……her
stories were great. They were filled with love, imagination and sang with her
own personal writing style. She did take after me……..but you see, between the
two of us…..I was the only one who saw this.
I wanted to crawl
into a corner and lick my wounds. I tucked my emotions away and resisted the
urge to ask where my story was. I gave birth to her, so doesn’t that deserve a
small cameo?
Karma
We headed home that night and I relayed the events to my
husband. He chuckled. A single chuckle……as if he already knew this. Have I been
in the backseat this whole time without realizing it? Either way, I don’t like it. There is no leg room and I feel
claustrophobic. Should I have fought harder to get my front seat status? Did my
husband call “Shotgun!” and I did not hear him?
This is selfish of
me, I know. Maybe this stems from being an only child …….Maybe this is karma
kicking my ass all for all the things I put my mother through.
My mom took a backseat for me many years ago. I failed to see this when I was younger. My mom was always available for me and I pushed that away, especially in my teen years. I could never admit that I needed her just as much as I needed my dad.
I admit, that I worshipped
my dad. I remember his hugs encircling me and ensuring safety. I also fondly
recall our nighttime prayers. And our movie dates…..enjoying each other’s company
while gorging on popcorn. On the flip
side, he was the only one who could gut me with a look, allowing all my indiscretions to flow out for
the world to see. I always strived for his approval.
I realize now that Diva Child sees a hero in her Daddy….. Just
like I see a hero in mine.
Use Caution Up Ahead
It’s going to be a bumpy ride with this one. It is not easy relinquishing
my bond with her. She’s my mini-me. Will I receive a claim ticket to retrieve
the mother/daughter bond at a later date? Will I be given body armor to protect
my heart during those teen age years? And who will answer me when I ask, “Are we there yet?!” The backseat is awfully lonely.
I have resigned to let her Dad take the lead for a bit. I
have buckled up and will try to get comfortable. I don’t even
mind that my view is somewhat limited. Maybe then, I won’t see those teen years
coming at us head on. I will be ready for them though…….with open arms and
love.
Hold on…..Crap! Are there airbags back here?
I enjoyed this piece! It is tough, isn't it, to take a backseat, and to work through the family dynamics. I bet you will re-animate that mother-daughter bond when she grows older--especially if/when she has her own child. (P.S.--found you through Austin Bloggers.)
ReplyDeleteMy concern is if you are in the backseat and Craig called shotgun....Diva Child is driving....
ReplyDeleteHa! When I read my son's writing folder for his whole third grade year it was all about his dad, whom he only sees every other weekend. I am with you sister!
ReplyDeleteDads are a big part of a little girls life. He's the example of her relationships with men in the future. My oldest daughter has lived with me her whole life and dad was MIA for 3 years of that but now he's part of her and her brother's life and there are moments I have to check my jealousy and take a step back or take the backseat as you put it even if I do with an inner pout. Hang in there though. She knows who her momma is. :)
ReplyDelete