Losing the "Me" in "Mom-me"

Two weeks ago, I reached an end.

The end of my Summer Patience.

Yes, I gave it a name, because patience of any type deserves a title. I have been neglecting my blog and writing. Primarily due to the constant attention my children seem to need with their 24/7 presence in my house. With me. ALL day.

 

 With chauffeuring them to and from BFE, shopping and packing for camps, visiting museums, applying suntan lotion to wiggling bodies, checking out countless library books (and paying the fines because we forget to return them on time).......I was done.

 

Approximately 80 days....... 1,920 hours of togetherness. I was well past done.

Below is an excerpt of a journal entry that I penned when my Summer Patience began to show cracks in its pretty, shiny suntanned surface.

 

I am not writing this to get sympathy, or encouragement that summer will end (because it will!). I am sharing this to showcase another part of my life. Another part of me that most don't see.

 

August 18, 2014

However alone I am....I am never without my reality. Kids, family, money concerns, dreams. They weigh heavy on my shoulders, my heart, and my mind.  

So, in other words, I am never alone. And that alone, can be depressing.

 A parent never is alone.  Our children and their lives are imprinted into our brains. Our skin. Our habits. We swear we never want this to leave us. That we love the job of nurturing them. Shaping them to become wonderful adults that will  better the world.

 

Then, I have moments of clarity when I get tapped on the shoulder. That other side of myself that craves to be paid attention to. The "me" in Mommy likes to make an appearance quite often and sometimes I ignore her.

 

 In our attempt to give our kids all we can....... Attention, love, and especially most of ourselves, we lose our "me" somewhere. Mine gets lost quite regularly and I am worried that she may not return at times. 

  My kids are cute, funny, and full of love. I love them more than anything in this world. But I don't have the urge to just sit with them 24/7.  I don't want to cuddle constantly or bow to their every whim, whimper, or tantrum. I can only take so much before I crave my alone time. 

Hubby gave me a get out of jail free card yesterday. One night away. So, I took it. (I am not crazy!)

 

I left the house and dimmed the parent light a bit.  When I am able to allow myself to take center stage, I find the strength to dig deep into my reserves. I recharge.

I think Hubby sensed my breakdown before I did. He is the referee in this game of life we play everyday. He saw a need for a time out. He made the call. Smart man.

I never claimed I was good at this mom thing. I actually think I suck at it although Hubby disagrees. This is why I keep him around. (There are other reasons too, but I won't dwell on those in this piece.)

Ok, now it's close to wine time. So, I'm signing off. Hopefully, I won't fire myself from my Mom-me position before tomorrow comes.

 

 

My Magnificent Three (A Goofy Pose - they don't normally look alike this.)

 

 

Live for Today...Breathe for Tomorrow....Write for Me

Sitting alone allows your mind to contemplate things. The things you don't have time for during everyday life. The hustling to get out the door. Speeding to get somewhere on time. A certain somewhere you'd rather not be. Frantically trying to keep your composure when all you want to do is scream. Or cry. 

So today, I sit here. Listening.

Car doors slam. Water drops hit the pavement, as a sprinkler waters the flower bed.

My temporary sanctuary soothes me.  If only everyday could be like this, wouldn't I be content?

 I guess this could be my everyday. Some may not understand the feeling I crave. The freedom in escaping. Listening. Creating.  

 I've always written when I felt Ike it.  Whenever the urge hit.  Never facing a career ending deadline,  my words came and went as they pleased.

When I am highly emotional the words flow out of me, just like the sprinkler watering nearby. They are not always good words, but my page fills and I find peace. An emotional balance.

When I am living in my normal........I  tend to shut my writing door. Closing off the inspiration and disregard my emotions knocking from the other side.


 Venturing out ..........


I attended my first RWA Conference this year.  Sitting among people that also have a passion for writing, made everything REAL.

After my first day at the conference, alone in my car,  I was hit an immense feeling of inadequacy. Along with tears and the annoying urge to puke.

Apparently,  REAL scared the shit out of me.

 For a split second, I thought these feelings meant that I did not belong in the midst of these other writers. That I was in over my head.

 Then, as fast at it hit me, my doubt was gone.  I started to think about the book ideas I have created and the characters that are alive in my head. The characters that are barely breathing. Suffocating under my procrastination.

Both stories are as much a part of me as my own heart.  If I let these stories disappear, will  part of me fade away too?

My first AHA! Moment.

Strength took hold and rooted itself deep within me. I realized that I am tired of keeping the door closed. Only allowing access when I'm emotional, unstable, or just plain mad. It's time to remove the door. Rip it from its hinges and explore the possibilities of my reality.