My usual Sunday posting did not happen. I ignored my laptop. I refused to pick up a pen. I felt extremely guilty
because I am a person who thrives on schedules and organization. I decided
to wait until this morning because I needed to let my mind rest a bit. Oh.... the hell
with it..... I'll just be blunt..... I needed to figure crap out.
After a full 5 days of family and constant activities, this
morning gave me a chance to sit and think. My house is rarely quiet.
So today, with the kids safely delivered to school, my hubby away at his
office, and the TV off.....I listened to the silence. Silence is never
void of sound. The definition of silence varies for each individual. My
silence is filled with a type of calm that I seldom embrace.
Sitting at my "desk" (a.k.a. the kitchen table), I
concentrate on the echoing tick-tock of the kitchen clock. The water
rushing through the dishwasher. The hiss of the heated air exiting the vents. I found solace in the wind chime's melancholy tune. All of this,
each second, lasts a lifetime. In the same thought,
each moment is gone in a blur.
Over the past week I have doubted my journey. Am I pursuing the
right path? Am I being disillusioned that I can make a career out of my love
for writing? I have guilt because I lack the college degree. I have doubts
because I get distracted. I get frustrated when cannot put some of my thoughts
into elegant script. I get angry when I am enveloped into a piece only
to stop because "Mommy Duty" calls.
Being strong is all a state of mind. But what happens when your
mind lets in the what-if's? I know WHO I am. Is it wrong to want
more? I don't feel that my "bio" is complete. My main concern
is how can I achieve more without sacrificing time with my family? Being selfish
has always been my downfall. Maybe it is that dreaded single-child syndrome I
have been accused of having.......maybe it is just the way I am programmed.
As I read my ramblings above, I hope I have not bored you to tears
with my pity party. I wanted to share my thoughts. Releasing this onto
paper helps me cope with the negative funk I have been dealing with. I know there are others out there that
feel this way. I have heard the stories
first hand. But, in the moments of self-doubt you seldom remember you have
company.
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| Ian Britton / FreeFoto.com |
“Just
don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there’s love and
inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” —Ella Fitzgerald
I think where you are fortunate Jen is that this passion has no age limit. I love football and would play even today if I could. Bodies give out. The mind last much longer. I'm not sure that I understand what you are trying to achieve, but stop putting pressure on yourself and put pressure on "the plan". What is your end result? Put a plan in place to get there and drive daily to achieve your benchmarks. Be realistic with expectations and keep striving. If your end result is not clear, you can't be upset with your progress and you can't focus passion.
ReplyDeleteYour words are very wise. (Must me in our blood!) All joking aside.......Thank you for sharing. Your thoughts mean the world to me. I especially loved the last sentence and will use it for motivation going forward.
DeleteI hate my doubts. They creep into my psyche whenever I'm unaware of what's going on around me. They eat away at the edges of my resolve and work into the cracks that are a result of simply living life. I'm betting all on my dream, and it frankly has me terrified at times.
ReplyDeleteThe what-ifs are inevitable. It's a part of having a mind that is capable of exploring possibilities. I try to help myself by looking at ways to avoid the scenario that worms its way into my mind, and if I can't find a way to chip away at that doubt, maybe there is a way I can attack another one.
Forward progress is forward progress, and even if we don't know what path we're moving forward on, maybe we'll look up and see it is the one we truly wanted all along.