Enjoying the View

In my past life, visits to the park were something I only read about. Other parents would spend meaningful, quality time pushing their kiddos on swings and chatting with other moms, forging relationships and allowing their children to soak in some Vitamin D. I never ventured to that side of mom-hood. Since I worked, I found it quite easy to brush off requests due to limited hours of daylight, school activities, sport activities, and just because I was too freaking tired.

Also, with living in BFE, we do not have a community park. This meant the closest one was 30 minutes away. With that being said, I had to admit that I was now in a position to fulfill such desires. Since I have the honor of spending all my waking moments catering to my lovely household and their demands, I acknowledged Diva Child’s request and headed to the park.

Granted, we had a time limit of 45 minutes….but I felt that baby steps were in order.

Before I even parked the car, I was rewarded with the biggest smile and a chattering that did not stop for another 4 hours. She led me to the big kid’s area and I went to park my rear on a shaded bench. Between timing how long she spun on a spinning disc contraption and watching her scale a rope wall, I decided that this wasn’t so bad. I could handle this park thing. No biggie.

That was until she requested my presence on the other end of a teeter-totter. Laughing, I suggested that she might need to find a person 30 years my junior…….and maybe a few pounds lighter. She said no, she wanted ME on the other end of this daunting piece of equipment.

 Needless to say, I climbed on……knowing this would not be a boost to my self-esteem and I should not have had that cookie at lunch…….or eaten anything……EVER.

With my daughter laughing, as she was lifted towards the sky, I realized that I do this every day. I teeter between life, motherhood, supporting my husband, starting a writing career, strengthening friendships, being an attentive daughter, and trying to be an individual…….all at the same time.

My writing ideas don’t conveniently arrive when I am on the up side, they happen when I am sitting on the nasty playground sand, staring up at my life. They sneak in when I am gripping the handle trying not to sink in whatever is below.  

I enjoy seeing Diva Child laugh. I find peace with her amazement of simply….just playing.  As a mom, I am teetering all the time.  I try so hard to keep my kids on the upside, where they can enjoy the sunshine and laughter in life. I am accustomed to sitting below watching and being prepared to catch them if they fall. There are times when I want to desperately climb up into their seat and soak in the freedom. But who will balance them if I do this?

Life is a giant teeter-totter, where I try to find my balance. Some days are harder than others. Some days, I barely remember if I ever stopped teetering. But in between, I know there will be more Park Days and those passing moments that consist of pure happiness.

I realize that I am enchanted with the view of what balances me. Whether it’s a toothy smile, mounds of writing, or mountains of dirty clothes……I know I am not ready to get off.

I think I’ll continue to enjoy my view and keep teetering.

 

Spring Cleaning

I shift through the cobwebs of my thoughts. Sticky, jumbled and convoluted…..each one holds a memory. Some light, easy to store. Many are dark and heavy and unwelcome. Untangling intruders is complicated. Once I free them from their confinement, I quickly move forward. Never looking back to see where they fall.  

 

 I have no excuses for hoarding the heavy baggage that only served as a magnet. Pulling in unwelcome sadness, contempt, and self-pity. 

 

How long can one walk in silence before surrendering? Waving that pristine, white flag seems like an easier option. I find myself turning emotions on and off, like a radio dial. Pleasing others. Saluting the masses. These spear-like vices saw away at the bitterness that seems to hold tight.

 

 

Let the Sticky, Yucky Crap Go

With the new found space, I discover my craving for solace and contentment. Balance is essential. However, a road map to peace does not exist. A destination that erases all reality is only a fantasy.

Walking around in life, I am alone in the middle of a muted, grey storm. The wind carries hints of sadness and hopelessness, grazing my skin. Urging me to move on. I can’t resist watching each of my emotions crash into me, much like waves colliding against protruding rocks at the shore.



http://www.dreamstime.com/free-photos-images/stormy-road.html

With each step, I listen. My bruised, bare feet feel numb as I travel the haggard terrain. My steps echoing a harshness straight through to my soul. Spear-like vices sawing away at the bitterness that seems to hold tight. 

 I resist the urge to stop. Gathering strength to see and feel all my emotions is consuming me, yet I continue to place one foot in front of the other.

 

 Realizing the storm will lift when I take control...

 I turn up my tear soaked face, allowing nature to dry my tears. Turning my view inward, I recognize my destination. It is my today, my tomorrow and my forever that I have misplaced.

It is clear. I must accept what I have been fighting so hard against. My map is for me to create. For no one has the same destiny.

 

 

 

 

All Because of the Hair......

In January of this year, I met Katie Mehnert at MOMCOM 2014.  I commented on her hair and our conversation flowed from there.
Ironically, we found out that our husbands work for the same company, we both loved writing and we are busy moms.

An instant friendship was made........all because of the hair.

I reached out to her after the conference and began reading her blog, Pace : Life is a Marathon. She offered encouragement and advice that I quickly gobbled up. I am not sure how I can ever repay her. A thousand thank you's will never be enough.

When she reached out and asked me to share some of my story with her readers, I could not turn this opportunity down. It is my honor to be a guest blogger on her Remarkable Women Series.

Please take a look my first-ever Guest Blog piece:
Unlocking My Dreams in BFE.

Take a moment after reading to comment, share, post, email......or whatever you can do to help me celebrate!!

 

Just Writing......The Unknown

This week has greeted me with a bang. I stumbled through day one and know more experiences are ahead. I am busy playing chauffer, travel agent, and house keeper but I can never deny my urge to write. So, as I sit waiting for one of my children to finish with their day, I thought I'd share with you some of my free-writing.  Next week, I will have some more surprises for you! Keep posted.

The Unknown

 

The comfort of his old t-shirt, tattered and thin attempts to soothe out the wrinkles caused from the day.  Fighting my focus and battling the awareness of my beginnings. Frazzled thoughts and twinges of yearning seem to collide as a thunderstorm of chaos.

 

A greed nestled so deep astounds me and is why I cannot sleep.  Wrapping the blanket around me I venture outside, maybe gripping it a little too tight. A second skin yielding protection from the chill in my heart and the effects of the night. The swing creaks with each pass, as I push on. Crisp air stings my face and I stop.  Eyes closed, facing the brightness of the moon. Denying it the confession it already knows.  

Scents of the night pass. Lavender, rosemary, and the scent of his cologne. Causing a whirlwind of reminders, one can never forget. A road less traveled, awaits on the other side of dawn. A mystery of curves and turns will lead into the unknown.  

Leaves whisper as they scatter around this resting spot. Crickets sing in sweet harmony. A tempo of melodies, tempos, and a tune only nature can produce. A song of my own, touches a secret place and causes a yearning of home. 

 

A silence rests as the wind takes a break. A silence defining a true meaning of wistfulness. An attempt to live on, when one has left.  

 

The Gift Series - Our Dance (Thank you #4)

Author's Note:

This is the 4th & final story in this series.
 If you missed the earlier posts, please take a look back at  The Shoes and Life Deserves to be Lived, & No DNA Required

****

 

I will start out by being brutally honest…..It’s not easy to be married to me. I admit that and own it. At times, I act truly spoiled. I still pout when I get upset and I bet, if I tried, I could throw an Earth-shattering temper tantrum.  Even though at my age, I would probably pull something and need medical attention. My husband claims that there are other admiring aspects of my personality that overshadow my only child tendencies. Who am I to argue? 

When I met the man, I now call my husband, I was on the verge of being on my own again. I had just left an abusive relationship and had a child. Needless to say, he had no idea what he was stepping into. Fortunately, he has never ran away and for that I am forever grateful. He has always accepted my life, my past and has stood proudly by my side.

 
Here is our story and how a single dance can lead you to the love of your life.

 

 

Our Dance 

Others circled,

But all I saw was you.

Looking at me with

Curiosity.

I gladly let you lead.

Stepping swiftly….

Two leaves testing the breeze.  

You had a plan.

And tempted me with your smile.

The touch of your hand.

A tender plea,

To dance another. 

I followed you afterwards,

Your group merging with mine.

My hand still in yours, we didn’t care of the time.

 At our goodbye, you attempted a kiss….

But all I gave was my cheek.

I didn’t think I’d hear from you

Because of this.  

Time passed and we grew.

Dancing around with

“I LIKE you” and “I want you, too.”

Neither knowing the right time.

Both afraid of nothing in return.

Until one day,

Dancing as we do

you had the courage first...

to whisper,

“I love you.”

Leading me through laughter

And a softness I had never known.

Drawing me closer.

Tender moments of grace given.

We have been steadily increasing momentum

 Since that New Year’s Day. 

The gentle placement of your hand

On the small of my back

Filled an empty spot in my heart

That I never realized I lacked.  

Confidence and strength

Shown with each step.

Keeping up with the tempo

Of life is easy to do,

 When I am with you.  

Our dance has led us through 16 years.

Some painfully fast but most comfortably slow.

The way we still move as one

Gliding through our day to day.

 

Holding hands,

Always equal.

For you taught me to be

Confident and strong.

 

I am always amazed

This journey began

With only a simple song.

A dance is what brought me to you.

A simple melody, a casual glance,

Helped build our life.

Without your heart,

I would have never learned to truly dance.

 

****

 

As I planned the Gift Series, I had written numerous stories about people that have, in one way or another, made me a better person.  Having to choose which stories I posted was difficult, but I hope to share others with you soon. This experience had been eye-opening and a great experience. Thank you for allowing me to share these with you.

 

 

 

The Gift Series - No DNA Required (Thank you # 3)

Author's Note:

This is the 3rd story in the series.
 If you missed the earlier posts, please take a look back at  The Shoes and Life Deserves to be Lived.

****

I have had friendships that required so much work, that I was exhausted making my sure my ramblings wouldn’t piss them off. Repairs were constantly being made to fix hurt feelings. Adjustments and patching up bad spots, were never ending. These relationships are too exhausting and with age, I have learned that sometimes it’s best to let those ones go. Much like a little child losing their balloon, I released these burdens watching as they floated into the sky.  

 

We are all guilty of not displaying 100% of ourselves. Hiding under too many layers.

Scared that we may be viewed harshly or judged because of our mistakes. There are a special few that see us, as we truly are….for ourselves…nothing more…nothing less. There are no pedestals, no competitions. Just a way of life and the acceptance of all flaws.

 

I have no siblings in the natural, text book sense. I don’t know about sibling rivalry or what it was like to share my parent’s attention. This being said, 3 perfect women found their way into my heart and I call them my sisters to this day. Maybe fate played a part. Maybe it was just logistics.  So I will forever thank destiny and the map they used to find a way into my life.

 

My way of life is mine. These women understand who I am and have never tried to change me.

From the inside out, nothing is too scary for them to handle. On my hardest days, they form a protective cloak around me. During my happiest times, they stand up and cheer. They are my laughs, my reality checks, and closest confidants. Most times a look between us is enough…..no words need to be said. These woman came into my life. Each giving my soul depth and a reason to believe.

 

Brenda & I - 2013

One started so many years ago, when we were very young. If anyone can steer me away from my imaginary cliff, it would be her and she would never have to say a word. For thirty-three years we have been stuck like glue. We survived stinky bus rides to school, cheese ball fights, and our failure at parallel parking.  There is never a doubt our bond rises and sets with our version of an everlasting Neon Moon.

 



Sara & I with our sister, Brenda- 2010

Another formed by pure coincidence. She is quiet and cautious to those she doesn’t know. She protects those she holds dear…….it makes me glad to be on her good side. We share our annoyances and laugh through the pain. We share a sister in this world as well, and I proudly call her my “Hit Man”.





 

Melissa & I - 2013

This third woman, took her sweet time, but eventually showed up. For twelve years she has experienced life right alongside me. She is a force to be reckoned with and finally convinced me that my dreams can become a reality. She is the cheese to my cracker and she does not take any of my shit. 


 

Today is dedicated these 3 extraordinary women who are sewn into my life and for some reason, have found me interesting enough to stick around. Their wisdom, snarky comments, and optimism keep me afloat.  They know when I need laughter to brighten my bad days…they have seen me down and out but have never judged.

There is no blood shared, no common DNA. Just a bond that is nurtured, allowing it to grow stronger every day.

The Gift Series - Life Deserves to be Lived.... (Thank You #2)

Author's Note:

This is the 2nd story in the series.
 If you missed yesterday's post, please take a look back at yesterday's thank you in  The Shoes.

****

 

Writing is a gift that is treasured by many…Profound tales are written by people, just like you and I.  Most tend to believe they are normal, but I disagree. Everyone has a different story to tell. Our stories and histories make us unique, like snowflakes falling silently to the ground, their tale rarely heard. Each crystal in a snowflake holds an experience that sets us apart from what normal is perceived to be.

Today’s post is dedicated to a woman who I believe was graciously unique. A rare snowflake who liked to speak of other's accolades, rather than shine the spotlight on herself. She was a woman who built a legacy from her determination and endured hardships that my spoiled brain will never comprehend. Her strong will and talents showcased her diversity for adapting to life. She possessed a fire that I still remain jealous of and a wisdom that came from a depth that knew no end. This woman was my father's mother..... my Memaw.

 

A co-worker shared A Journey of a Mother with me on the afternoon that Memaw passed away. I remember sitting in my office, tears streaming endlessly and my heart hurting as I connected to each syllable….each letter…..each verse. I recited this at her funeral to showcase her strength and knowledge that life deserves to be lived, even though it may not always be easy. 

 

I would like to share this story with you, in hopes that it may connect with another and live on.                                 

A Journey of a Mother

by Jacque Powers 

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

"Is this the long way?" she asked.   

And the guide said:  "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it.. But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years.

 

So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams;

 and
The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,

"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years,

 and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.

But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage.

 

 And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide.

 

And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."

 

And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her.  

 And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory.  She is a living presence........" 

Your Mother is always with you....

She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well.  

Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.

She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you.   

Not time, not space... Not even death.

 

 

 

 

 

The Gift Series - The Shoes (Thank You #1)

Author’s Note:

I was recently asked, “Who was 1 person that profoundly impacted your life?”

Choosing 1 person proved to be difficult.  I have interacted with a lot of people through out the years. Some have stayed close, some faded away, others affected me and I never knew their name.

This week is dedicated to thanking 4 people who showed me how to live, how to respect, and why honest living is vital.

I am turning 38 this week and this is my gift to 4 people, who deserve so much more than my words.

 

 ****

  

 

 

The Shoes

 

 

Your shoes were always perfectly polished.

Leather gleaming.

 No matter brown or black….they always shined.
 

I do not remember ever seeing your bare feet.

Your shoes were always on
and never failed to look brand new

When we would meet.

Those shoes are not my favorite memory of you,

Only a constant, familiar piece of the puzzle from my youth.

A piece that made you……You.

Pressed pants and classic shirts.

Always put together,
whether a

Holiday, lunch, or a weekday visit.
A sight of pure confidence.

 

Maybe this was the military background…..

Maybe it was from your youth.

My certainty was
 I loved you.

As a young girl.....
until just over a year ago....

I would hear stories

Of corn fields....of Naval Ships…of your childhood in Iowa.

 

Sitting next to you,

Not always wise enough to learn.

You would share of times that you endured.

 

Memories of life on a farm

With no paved roads…..hiking to school,

Through the rain, sleet and snow.

 

Eventually I learned you lived only a block away,

But I never cared because this was just your way.

I wondered what shoes you wore back then.

I should have inquired at that time.

To learn more about the man,

Who loved me without end.

They say a man’s shoes are a reflection of him.

I always saw 

Perfection……love…..a boundless devotion.

You possessed a shine

That never dulled with time.

During our final visit,

You knew that your time was near.

I could tell by your words

And your effort to make clear,

That you were proud of me.

Of who I had become.

I know one day my eyes will witness

That shine again.

Please don't worry when l hold on tight.
I have just missed you......

 A true gift in my life.

***

Today's post is dedicated to a true constant in my life. He was my North Star……Always present. Always strong. Always forgiving. I said goodbye to him over a year ago, February 22, 2013. Today my Granddaddy would have been 82. Happy Birthday, Granddaddy.